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(theme music playing)
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NARRATOR:
Man lives in the sunlit world
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of what he believes
to be reality.
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But... there is,
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unseen by most, an underworld.
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A place that is just as real
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but not as brightly lit.
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A dark side.
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(typewriter keys clacking)
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(distant dog barking)
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MAN:
Listen to this.
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"Cody brought the mallet down
with brutal force...
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"splitting the breastbone
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"and driving the tip
of the stake deep
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"into the putrid heart
of Count Blavnakov.
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The vampire let out
a bloodcurdling..."
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(mimicking robot):
"Danger! Danger!
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Danger, Will Robinson!"
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What? What's the matter?
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Boring!
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Boring!
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What are you talking about?
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This is vintage Peter Prentice.
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You have already used a stake
through the heart routine
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to knock off the vampire's
securities analyst
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in chapter ten, and the count's
nephew in chapter 14.
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You told me yourself that's
the way you kill a vampire.
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Yeah, but, Peter, there's more
than one way to snuff a vampire.
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Pound a stake through
the pump,
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exposure to sunlight,
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the cross, holy water...
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I am not writing a dissertation
on vampire extermination.
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Well, how about silver?
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A vampire can be destroyed
with something silver.
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A silver knife.
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Where is Cody going to get
a silver knife
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in the underground
parking garage?
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(gasps)
I got it!
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Cody was given a sterling silver
pen by his mum in chapter three.
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When Count Blavnakov corners him
in the parking garage,
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he pulls out the silver
fountain pen
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and plunges it into
the vampire's chest.
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(gagging)
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I hired you
as a technical advisor,
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not a gag writer.
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I'll provide the creative juice.
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Sorry.
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Stake through the heart
works fine for me.
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(sighs)
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Let's call it a day.
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Fine for me.
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(mumbling):
Fine for me.
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Peter.
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Why do you write
these things, anyway?
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You don't know anything
about the genre,
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and you don't believe in it.
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The moola.
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Dumb question.
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Um, Pete.
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You promised to call your agent
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about reading
some of my stories.
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First thing in the morning.
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Yeah.
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(paper rustling)
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(typewriter clacking,
bat squeaking)
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The vampire count
pleads for mercy.
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The silver fountain
pen glittering
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in the fluorescent light.
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Pitiful vampire grovels
at his feet.
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Rubbish.
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Vampires are incapable...
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of groveling.
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How dare you...
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(thunder cracks)
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Are you crazy?
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You get down from there before
I have my insurance canceled.
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(sighs)
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Fans.
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I am... Draco.
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Count Geoffrey Draco.
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Vampire.
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(laughs)
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And I'm Vladimir Horowitz.
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What, are you selling
cemetery plots?
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I'm calling the cops.
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Put that down!
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Look... into my eyes.
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(gasping, wheezing)
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Enough.
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You don't want my blood.
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I've had hepatitis.
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I eat this stuff.
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My blood's full of chemicals.
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I am not interested in your
blood, Monsieur Prentice.
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I have a proposition for you.
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Well, I'm all neck, ears.
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What do you want?
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When the sun shines,
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I require sanctuary.
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You want to stay here?
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I believe you can
accommodate me.
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(mechanical whirring)
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How-how did you know?
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You will have to find
another hiding place
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for your, uh, stocks
and bonds.
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What's in this for me?
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(nervous chuckle)
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I offer you 900 years
of vampire stories.
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In return for the
sanctuary of your home,
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I will tell you such things
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that no living man
has ever heard.
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Right from the horse's mouth,
so to speak.
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(chuckles)
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Welcome aboard, partner.
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(thunder crashing)
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�
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(mechanical whirring)
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(mechanical whirring)
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(mechanical whirring)
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Ready when you are,
Count.
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First, I must feed.
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We shall talk
when I return.
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(sighs)
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Someone is coming.
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PETER:
It's my cleaning lady.
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DRACO:
Will she be missed?
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Are you kidding?
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They'll think
Immigration snagged her.
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Tonight, I
shall dine in.
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(doorbell ringing)
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Bon app�tit.
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Quickly.
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(doorbell rings)
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Mister, is Mr.
Prentice here?
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He said I should come
now for my money
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for cleaning.
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Maybe I, uh, come
back tomorrow.
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Stay.
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Close the door.
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You cannot scream.
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You cannot
utter a sound.
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Your heart is
beating faster.
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Faster.
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Oh, you can feel
the blood coursing
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through your veins.
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(moans)
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I waste nothing.
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I kill only when I must.
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So, you have come
for your pound of flesh.
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Well, my readers are waiting
for my next novel.
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Then let us not waste this
lovely night in idleness.
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I will tell you the story...
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of a French knight,
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who one day heard
of a vampire prince
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whose castle was overflowing
with gold and treasure.
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Greed overcame fear.
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And he rode out
against this dark prince.
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That was 900
years ago.
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And the knight's name was Draco.
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(chuckles)
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I was once destroyed
by a mortal man.
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He drove such
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a wooden stake through my heart.
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But, for a vampire,
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death is only temporary.
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Jayne never told me vampires
could be brought back
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once they were destroyed.
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From the ashes,
they may become whole
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by scattered blood or by...
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a woman's tears.
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Few who have learned this secret
have lived to tell of it.
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So, um, you decided to rip off
this vampire prince...
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No, I did not steal his gold.
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I was a knight.
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A man of honor!
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I challenged him
to a fair fight.
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Why?
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Gold.
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Yeah.
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(chuckles)
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"Peter Prentice has taken the
horror genre to new heights
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with his latest vampire novel,
900 Years of Darkness."
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(chuckles):
Oh!
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Listen to this one.
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"The scene where
the vampire count
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"feeds on the cleaning woman
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is perhaps the most chilling
in modern literature."
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(chuckling):
Oh! Hey, did I tell you?
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The movie people are
starting to sniff around.
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(doorbell ringing)
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00:11:04,663 --> 00:11:05,696
Oh, listen, I gotta go.
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Jayne's here
to pick up her things.
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Yeah, I had to let her go.
I was carrying her too long.
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Ciao, baby.
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Come in.
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00:11:14,005 --> 00:11:15,506
You could've at least
told me yourself,
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instead of having
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your lawyer send me a letter.
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00:11:17,876 --> 00:11:19,510
This is
business, kiddo.
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Now, I put all your things
in here.
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Cassette, notebooks,
pencil sharpener.
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Yeah, well, I'm sure
203
00:11:24,349 --> 00:11:26,150
that it's all there.
204
00:11:26,218 --> 00:11:28,919
There's no hard feelings
or anything like that, right?
205
00:11:32,958 --> 00:11:35,493
You know, whatever I may
think of you personally,
206
00:11:35,560 --> 00:11:36,861
I have to admit,
207
00:11:36,928 --> 00:11:40,297
900 Years of Darkness
just blew me away.
208
00:11:40,365 --> 00:11:43,634
But the only thing
that I cannot figure out
209
00:11:43,702 --> 00:11:47,504
is how a book like that
came out of you.
210
00:11:47,572 --> 00:11:49,240
I worked on five
novels with you,
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00:11:49,308 --> 00:11:53,043
and I never once detected
even a glimmer of originality.
212
00:11:53,111 --> 00:11:56,346
I saw more of my ideas
in those books than yours.
213
00:11:56,414 --> 00:11:59,516
900 Years of Darkness
was a fluke.
214
00:11:59,584 --> 00:12:04,021
You will never, ever
write a book like that again.
215
00:12:04,088 --> 00:12:05,556
Oh, yeah?
216
00:12:05,623 --> 00:12:08,392
Well, the New York Book Review
called me a genius!
217
00:12:08,460 --> 00:12:11,128
You know, I don't
need you anymore!
218
00:12:12,197 --> 00:12:14,465
I don't need anybody!
219
00:12:16,267 --> 00:12:18,502
What are you staring at?
220
00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:25,943
900 Years of Darkness
by Peter Prentice.
221
00:12:26,011 --> 00:12:28,078
My story.
222
00:12:28,146 --> 00:12:29,547
Your name.
223
00:12:29,614 --> 00:12:31,649
Isn't it past
your feeding time?
224
00:12:31,716 --> 00:12:33,817
I'm sure there's a nice,
juicy drunk out there
225
00:12:33,885 --> 00:12:35,318
with your name
written all over him.
226
00:12:35,386 --> 00:12:39,924
When I return, we are going
to come to a new arrangement.
227
00:12:39,991 --> 00:12:44,494
If my exploits are to be fodder
for your third-rate scribblings,
228
00:12:44,563 --> 00:12:48,399
I demand my share
of the spoils and the glory.
229
00:13:05,316 --> 00:13:08,385
There was no
need to wait up.
230
00:13:08,453 --> 00:13:10,220
I'm going
on a talk show.
231
00:13:10,288 --> 00:13:11,455
I thought
my esteemed collaborator
232
00:13:11,523 --> 00:13:13,024
might like to join me.
233
00:13:13,091 --> 00:13:16,393
You know the sunrise
is only moments away.
234
00:13:16,461 --> 00:13:18,662
How silly of me,
of course you can't come.
235
00:13:18,730 --> 00:13:21,065
A few minutes in the sunlight,
there'd be nothing left of you
236
00:13:21,133 --> 00:13:23,500
but a pungent little puddle
on the sidewalk.
237
00:13:23,568 --> 00:13:26,870
You try my patience,
little man.
238
00:13:26,938 --> 00:13:29,573
I've decided to streamline
my operation.
239
00:13:29,641 --> 00:13:32,677
I don't need any ghostwriters
or hangers-on anymore.
240
00:13:32,744 --> 00:13:35,479
Without my stories,
you are nothing but a hack.
241
00:13:35,780 --> 00:13:36,980
Oh, you've already
given me enough stories
242
00:13:37,048 --> 00:13:38,649
to write 12 novels.
243
00:13:38,717 --> 00:13:43,053
We will discuss this further
in the evening.
244
00:13:46,091 --> 00:13:47,424
(gasping and hissing)
245
00:13:51,462 --> 00:13:55,599
You will remove those
abominations from my coffin.
246
00:13:56,234 --> 00:13:58,401
(hissing)
247
00:13:58,469 --> 00:14:03,174
I had it sharpened razor sharp.
248
00:14:03,241 --> 00:14:08,345
You will remove those things
from my coffin immediately.
249
00:14:08,412 --> 00:14:09,546
On the contrary,
you will remove yourself
250
00:14:09,614 --> 00:14:11,982
from my home and find yourself
a nice little sewer to sleep in!
251
00:14:12,784 --> 00:14:15,753
A little light on the subject!
252
00:14:23,628 --> 00:14:26,296
Not a cloud in the sky,
Draco, old buddy!
253
00:14:30,902 --> 00:14:35,739
Do you think I have lived
900 years to be bested
254
00:14:35,807 --> 00:14:37,908
by the likes of you?
255
00:14:37,976 --> 00:14:40,010
(screaming)
256
00:14:40,078 --> 00:14:43,180
(yelling and gagging)
257
00:14:46,250 --> 00:14:49,620
Put the silver
in the basket.
258
00:14:49,688 --> 00:14:52,556
(grunting):
I am!
259
00:14:52,624 --> 00:14:54,224
(silverware clattering)
260
00:14:54,292 --> 00:14:56,827
I'm doing it!
261
00:14:56,894 --> 00:14:59,363
(grunting and groaning)
262
00:15:03,668 --> 00:15:06,870
(strained):
I can't reach it.
263
00:15:14,445 --> 00:15:19,082
(yelling)
264
00:15:19,150 --> 00:15:24,288
(whimpering)
265
00:15:25,823 --> 00:15:28,058
(yelling)
266
00:15:29,728 --> 00:15:31,761
(agonized screaming)
267
00:15:31,829 --> 00:15:34,464
(groaning)
268
00:15:34,532 --> 00:15:36,766
Help me!
269
00:15:42,274 --> 00:15:44,942
Help me.
270
00:15:47,679 --> 00:15:48,912
Help me!
271
00:15:48,981 --> 00:15:51,415
(yelling)
272
00:16:00,358 --> 00:16:02,126
(doorbell ringing)
273
00:16:02,194 --> 00:16:04,128
(knocking on door)
274
00:16:04,196 --> 00:16:05,595
Uh, yeah, yeah, wait.
275
00:16:05,663 --> 00:16:07,031
What?
JAYNE:
Peter!
276
00:16:07,098 --> 00:16:08,199
Come on, you open up.
277
00:16:08,266 --> 00:16:09,533
I know you're in there!
278
00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:11,669
Hurry up!
279
00:16:11,736 --> 00:16:14,037
I'm not gonna
wait here all day.
280
00:16:14,105 --> 00:16:17,508
Yeah, okay, I'm coming!
281
00:16:17,575 --> 00:16:18,909
(knocking continues)
282
00:16:18,977 --> 00:16:21,645
Come on, Pete!
(doorbell ringing)
283
00:16:21,713 --> 00:16:23,180
Coming!
284
00:16:23,248 --> 00:16:24,681
Just hold on there.
285
00:16:24,749 --> 00:16:26,783
It's freezing out here.
Oh...
286
00:16:26,851 --> 00:16:29,253
Getting chilled
to the bone.
287
00:16:29,321 --> 00:16:32,289
(knocking continues)
Ugh, gross.
288
00:16:34,292 --> 00:16:37,127
(doorbell rings)
289
00:16:39,797 --> 00:16:41,599
Peter!
290
00:16:43,968 --> 00:16:45,136
(wall creaking)
291
00:16:45,203 --> 00:16:46,604
(grunting):
Come on.
292
00:16:46,671 --> 00:16:47,771
(knocking continues)
293
00:16:47,839 --> 00:16:49,940
(whispers): Oh, no.
(doorbell rings)
294
00:16:50,008 --> 00:16:51,975
Come on, Pete!
295
00:16:52,043 --> 00:16:54,945
Hurry up!
(grunting)
296
00:16:55,013 --> 00:16:57,014
(knocking persistently)
297
00:16:57,081 --> 00:17:00,384
(sighs) Come in.
298
00:17:02,653 --> 00:17:04,788
You're drunk.
299
00:17:04,856 --> 00:17:08,358
Your keen powers
of observation never
300
00:17:08,426 --> 00:17:09,894
cease to astound me.
301
00:17:09,961 --> 00:17:12,729
Observe this,
Sherlock.
302
00:17:14,532 --> 00:17:16,066
You're suing me?
303
00:17:16,134 --> 00:17:18,169
Breach of contract
and outright dastardly,
304
00:17:18,236 --> 00:17:20,404
disgusting, disloyal,
dishonest plagiarism.
305
00:17:20,471 --> 00:17:21,738
Plagiarism?!
306
00:17:21,807 --> 00:17:23,240
What, are you crazy?
307
00:17:23,308 --> 00:17:26,310
You had nothing to do with
writing 900 Years of Darkness.
308
00:17:26,377 --> 00:17:29,246
No, but I practically
wrote the five books
that came before it.
309
00:17:31,183 --> 00:17:33,017
What is this, a shakedown?
310
00:17:33,084 --> 00:17:34,518
No, it's a shake up.
311
00:17:34,585 --> 00:17:36,486
Everything you have
to say as an author
312
00:17:36,554 --> 00:17:38,122
would fit on the back
of a postcard.
313
00:17:38,190 --> 00:17:40,724
There's no way you wrote
900 Years of Darkness.
314
00:17:40,792 --> 00:17:42,793
I figure if I shake
the tree hard enough,
315
00:17:42,861 --> 00:17:45,029
the real author
will fall out.
316
00:17:46,264 --> 00:17:47,798
Oh, I almost forgot.
317
00:17:47,866 --> 00:17:50,234
I found this knife
on your front porch.
318
00:17:50,301 --> 00:17:52,069
Ow!
319
00:17:52,137 --> 00:17:53,403
You okay?
320
00:17:53,471 --> 00:17:55,638
It's nothing.
321
00:17:55,706 --> 00:17:57,941
Yeah, well, just watch the rug.
322
00:18:08,119 --> 00:18:09,386
What's this?
323
00:18:09,454 --> 00:18:11,287
A secret panel?
324
00:18:11,355 --> 00:18:13,690
Peter Prentice, I'm impressed!
325
00:18:13,758 --> 00:18:15,392
Don't be silly.
326
00:18:15,459 --> 00:18:17,427
It's just a closet.
327
00:18:19,030 --> 00:18:21,398
There's a bloody coffin in here!
328
00:18:21,465 --> 00:18:22,833
I can explain.
329
00:18:22,934 --> 00:18:25,668
What could you possibly
want with a coffin?
330
00:18:29,174 --> 00:18:30,774
Count Draco?
331
00:18:31,976 --> 00:18:34,444
Well, no wonder
900 Years of Darkness
332
00:18:34,512 --> 00:18:36,513
reads like a firsthand report.
333
00:18:38,650 --> 00:18:41,185
Do you realize you're
sitting on a gold mine?
334
00:18:41,253 --> 00:18:42,319
Oh.
335
00:18:44,088 --> 00:18:46,423
Here, let me get you
something for that.
336
00:18:46,490 --> 00:18:47,791
Oh...
337
00:18:50,661 --> 00:18:52,296
Wow!
338
00:18:58,603 --> 00:19:00,837
Uh...
339
00:19:00,905 --> 00:19:02,973
Oh.
340
00:19:03,041 --> 00:19:04,240
Pete?
341
00:19:10,548 --> 00:19:11,949
I hope your vampire friend
342
00:19:12,016 --> 00:19:13,817
doesn't mind a little
more blood in his coffin.
343
00:19:13,885 --> 00:19:15,218
I've sprung a leak.
(sighs)
344
00:19:15,286 --> 00:19:17,454
What?!
345
00:19:17,521 --> 00:19:19,255
Something the matter?
346
00:19:20,124 --> 00:19:22,692
(sighing)
347
00:19:24,629 --> 00:19:26,396
(muffled groans)
348
00:19:26,464 --> 00:19:27,765
(hissing cackle)
349
00:19:27,832 --> 00:19:28,866
(chomps)
350
00:19:33,171 --> 00:19:35,506
Peter, what's going on?
351
00:19:37,409 --> 00:19:40,543
Count Draco, I presume.
352
00:19:40,611 --> 00:19:44,281
I make it a rule
only to kill for food.
353
00:19:44,349 --> 00:19:47,951
But, in your case,
I must reluctantly
354
00:19:48,019 --> 00:19:49,820
make an exception.
355
00:19:54,725 --> 00:19:57,393
(hissing)
356
00:19:57,461 --> 00:19:59,996
I have a proposition for you.
357
00:20:01,599 --> 00:20:03,834
I'm... I'm listening.
358
00:20:03,901 --> 00:20:06,536
I continue where Peter left off.
359
00:20:06,604 --> 00:20:09,006
I'll give you
equal billing.
360
00:20:09,074 --> 00:20:11,842
And, uh, royalties?
361
00:20:11,909 --> 00:20:13,610
Right down the middle.
362
00:20:17,114 --> 00:20:18,515
Oh.
363
00:20:21,553 --> 00:20:22,886
The earrings.
364
00:20:22,953 --> 00:20:24,722
Oh, sorry.
365
00:20:26,791 --> 00:20:28,158
(clears throat)
366
00:20:44,809 --> 00:20:50,247
A kiss is always better
than a handshake.
367
00:20:54,318 --> 00:20:55,719
(giggling)
368
00:20:55,787 --> 00:20:57,654
(in sultry voice):
Oh, I think
369
00:20:57,722 --> 00:21:01,458
this is gonna be the start
of a wonderful friendship.
370
00:21:01,526 --> 00:21:04,127
(thunder cracks)
371
00:21:19,711 --> 00:21:23,714
NARRATOR:
The dark side is always there.
372
00:21:23,782 --> 00:21:26,483
Waiting for us to enter.
373
00:21:26,551 --> 00:21:29,553
Waiting to enter us.
374
00:21:29,621 --> 00:21:36,026
Until next time, try
to enjoy the daylight.